Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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