went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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