I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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