You're completely useless in the revolution.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
