He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
