Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
