i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
