Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
literally had 100 drinks last night.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize