Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
