Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
How naked do you want me to be?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
