Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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