I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
