Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
