If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
