my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
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