He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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