her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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