im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Boobs speak an international language.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
