When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
