Will you blow on my dice?
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
