Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
