Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
