I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
