She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
