Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
