he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
