Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
