i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
