I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
