He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
