just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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