On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
