I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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