Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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