im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
