I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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