if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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