Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
