My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
