on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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