Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
