I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
It's never too late to be topless.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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