On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
