my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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