I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
