Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
