high people should be assigned attendants
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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