sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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