John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
