so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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